Poetry: i. am. irrelevant.

I wrote this poem in late spring/early summer 2015. I was struggling at the time with feeling ineffectual: like my actions were not only unhelpful, but had the exact opposite effect of what I intended. In my attempts to assist others, I felt, instead, toxic–that everything I touched turned to crap. I jotted down this poem in the middle of that mini crisis, but didn’t have the courage to publish it at the time. Today, I’m in a different place…but traces of this feeling remain, flaring up periodically. I suppose this is part 2 of my post last week: how I try to be a helper…but often feel like people would be better off if I didn’t even bother. That’s probably not the case–but it’s hard to tell myself that when my brain jumps the track and heads for the rock wall with no brakes. How I perceive situations isn’t always true; but anxiety colors everything oddly. Black is blue; red is white. My roots are too shallow to provide the needed strength. I’m a mess.

This isn’t a finely polished piece. It’s raw and unedited. It’s intentionally short and jumpy. With more work, it could have evolved into something more. But I don’t like revisiting how I was feeling at the time, so I present it as is.

See through me:
i do not exist.
Leave no trace.
i. am. irrelevant.

Struggle and strive,
all for nothing.
It matters not.
i. am. irrelevant.

Pro or con,
position is pointless.
Nobody cares.
i. am. irrelevant.

When did i
disappear?
i don’t remember.
i. am. irrelevant.

Tired, i can’t
anymore.
i give up.
i. am. irrelevant.

(c) 2015 Carrie A. Vibert – all rights reserved