The last few days are lost on me. They slipped by, unrecognizable in my hazy gaze, obscured by the fog in my head that would not let me see the world for what it is, but only as that dark, heavy presence pressing down on me. I was stuck in the demons’ grasp and the only way out was escape into slumberworld…
photo by Luis Llerena
I can function normally for months at a time when, all of a sudden, it hits me, and I’m down for the count, never knowing exactly how long the black hole will envelope me. Never knowing if I will emerge, free and clear, on the other side of it. Sometimes, not wanting to.
This time, my mental symptoms had physical manifestations, too. There was a malady to accompany my malaise, somehow verifying its existence, as the people I am closest to often don’t seem to accept the mental turmoil as a valid roadblock to living life. They want me to “get over it.” They expect me to “move on.” They tell me to “deal with it.” They have no idea that there’s a 2-ton boulder right in front of them, under the weight of which I am slowly collapsing. It’s invisible to them. They see no physical obstacles in my path; they feel it’s all in my head.
It is, but not in the way they can accept it. And this makes it hurt even more.
I’ve been asleep for 3 days. I’ve muddled through work. There because I have to be. Required to put on the normal face in order to pay the bills, ensure my children have medical care, keep the roof over our heads. And somehow, all that obligation makes it even worse.
But I’m still here… Floundering, but trying. I can’t be sucked in this time.
So I sleep… and hope that the nightmare will end and life will return to normal. It has to eventually, right?
Obtain professional help. No one should feel alone in this way. You have the intelligence and self-awareness to recognize something is off-kilter. Seek help to work on it, just like you would seek professional help if you had a large, bleeding gash on your forearm.
Carrie, please seek professional help to get on the road to recovery. You are aware that something is not right, you should not have to feel like this like your all alone and groping around in the dark and waiting to wake up from a nightmare. Before this gets any worst please seek professional help. Prayers for you and please keep us all posted.
Carrie, it must be so hard for you to go through this, and even harder to open up about it! The other commenters are right. Talk to someone, Carrie. Please, please talk to someone. They can help you. I know exactly where you are right now because I’ve been in that haze a million times. A few years ago I was popping sleeping pills like they were mints because I couldn’t stand to be awake if I didn’t have to be. Please, please don’t suffer through this alone. There’s no need! There are people out there designed to help people through these things. And, you can always, always talking to me if your comfortable with it because, trust me, I know those dark places. I’ll be able to relate and understand.